Relationship Matters: Can you love two people at the same time?

Sometimes, the only answer you have to a question is: ‘It is complicated.’ Like when you are asked ‘How are you?’ and you are not quite good but then you are not so bad. Somewhere between hanging in there and trying to figure out where you are headed next, you throw out the thoughtless response… ‘It is complicated’. Or! When you are in a love-hate relationship with your ex and your friends can’t understand why you keep going back to your source of pain, and between trying to save face and tiring of defending yourself, you reel out your best prepared defense: ‘It is complicated’. Final answer. Deal with it!

Essentially, or at least from practice, ‘It is complicated’ works well as a cue for the other party to stop the haggling. It is a decisive end to a conversation; the ‘I don’t expect you to understand so let’s not go further’ excuse.

But sometimes, it really is complicated, that much I admit. Life could often be a tangled mess or a maze so infinitely connected, it becomes impossible to escape on a straight road. Basically, the answer is not always yes or no; some things are simply not so simple. Emphasis on  ‘some things!’

I remember a situation in my undergraduate days when the phrase ‘it’s complicated’ was thrown around so much I almost began to feel dizzy. It was one of those campus motivational talk show things that rallied students chiefly because of the free food that would be served. The kind that usually got out of control as conversations delved into topics like sex, relationships and then, more sex. In this situation, the script for the most part went exactly as expected, with all the excitement a room packed with students could exact. “Yes it’s this.” “No it’s not that.” Back, forth, and so on…until the convener silenced the audience with a rehearsed motivational final answer.

The only twist on this occasion was the question raised by a 21-year-old 300 level student. She met a guy when she was eighteen, first love; but he traveled. She began dating her current boyfriend at the time, whom she loved, cherished and all that. First boyfriend returned and her poor heart, sincere as it was, melted to a pool of confusion. What to do about loving two people at the same time and at the same level was her question; a dilemma best suited for Linda Ikeji’s blog, if for no reason, for the sheer humour of its comments section. But, I digress.

So the comments started. “Yes you love him,” “No it’s infatuation,” then the more streamlined question: “is it possible to love two people at the same time?” It didn’t really end well. There was such a democratisation of opinion that the girl’s question was never really answered. In the end, we all decided (including the hosts) that such situations truly were complicated. But was it? Is loving two people really a matter of inexplicable complications?

It’s complicated

I found myself thinking about it very recently. A lengthy brooding session sparked off when a very married ex reached out to me with professions of undying love, swearing heaven and earth that his feelings for me have persisted even after his union with the wife he also loves. So I began to think, on a scale of practicality, how possible is it to love two people at the same time?

For instance, this past summer, I was torn between taking a trip or working on an urgent personal project. I had a budget for only one, but very much wanted to experience the two. Back forth, back forth my heart went. I have been known to drive those I care about to a point of exasperation with my constant opinion sampling and indecisiveness. Should I eat this or that? Should I do this or that?

But love is not a trip. It is not a thing to be had!

So, what if the question was not really ‘can you love two people at the same time?’ What if it was ‘Can you want two people at the same time?’ In that case, the answer is not complicated. Of course you can want two people at the same time. It’s called selfishness, and it is a very human condition. You can be in a committed relationship and still want every tall dark skinned guy you meet. You can be in a relationship and still desire certain experiences from your ex or certain perceived excitements from what you consider a prospect. It is human! But when you claim to love two people at the same time, and this is just my opinion, it doesn’t mean it is complicated, it means you are a fraud! No disrespect to those who are sincerely confused.

My point is, while it is possible to want two things or two trips or two people at the same time, it is not practical to love two people at the same time. And this is essentially because, while wanting two things leaves you at the threshold of the decision, love sits at the other end. It is a blossoming, thriving, emotional and mental connection. Yet it is more than that. More than the flutters of the heart, it is a commitment to be loyal. It is a decision already made.  A constant active, daily expressed thing.  With Love, Your Decision Has Already Been Made! The moment you consider if you love a second person, it means the decision was never really made for the first. And while this may mean many things: character deficiency, lust, selfishness, it is certainly not complicated.

Of course, like everything, you are entitled to disagree.